社会天天在生病(1)

我说:我们的华人社会病态够严重!

跟老婆到商业广场闲逛,走到珍珠奶茶档口.
"珍珠奶茶?"
"嗳!对".
"我要一杯".
"没问题!"
高手把摇均壶摇呀摇,由左手抛到右手.......忽然来一句"珍珠没有了,怎样?"
"没有珍珠?那是什么珍珠奶茶?你又不早说!算了,不要."
走开时,眼角窥见高手张着口,手捉着摇均壶凝定在半空中.
妈的,奸商!活该,你咎由自取!

走到小贩中心........
"老板,来一碟馄饨面.不要油炸馄饨,只要水烫馄饨,"
"好,就来."
很快食物就捧到.只见面条上面几片叉烧,几片菜心,不见馄饨.
"老板,这是什么面?"
"哦!馄饨刚好卖玩了"
"你该早点说嘛!没有馄饨,哪算是馄饨面?不要!"
老板悻悻然,不敢狡辩......

太久没上,有人会望穿秋水.先来一小段,滥芋充数.....(to be continued.......)

什么仇都报了

星期日早上的阳光,晒得身体暖绵绵.
走进义丰咖啡店,唔........人蛮多的,生意不错.
左看看,右看看;云吞面,猪肠粉,菜糕,肉骨茶,"杀爹","辣死你妈",板面,泰国餐,福建面,包饺点心,海南鸡饭...........唔唔....首选还是米果条汤.

"老板娘,来一碗米果条汤,大的,要......"还未讲完,右手边走来一位女士,牵者一位小孩.
"咳!很久不见,你是去了那里?"老板娘迫不及待的打断我的order;一副他乡遇故知,久旱逢甘露的表情.....
"老板娘,我要一碗大碗的米果条汤,要猪肝,不要粉肠!"不得不重复order.
"好,好......"他妈的看都不看我一眼,只顾着与故知开讲.
心里还真怀疑她到底听得懂我说的福建话吗;到时会不会又像以前三番四次一样货不对办?
没多久,缅甸籍工友把食物捧来,我左掀右番:有粉肠,没猪肝!
向缅甸籍工友摇手,指指着老板娘,他明白了有问题......
老板娘用弹指神功在捧回的米果条汤里捞呀捞,让工友再次捧回来.
这次不但没猪肝,粉肠也消失在老板娘的弹指神功之下.
一股怒气上升,堵住了胃,他妈的什么胃口都没了.....
摇摇手,挥挥手,把工友给赶回去.
"问题在那里?"老板娘来一招传音入密.
气还未消,懒得回应她,向她挥挥手........
"喂!回应一声会死吗?"老板娘开始施展狮子吼."装什么大牌,两块钱的交易吧了,有什么了不起!"
我开始发出电眼神功,对抗狮子吼.........思维却飘呀飘的........

记得在南洋商报 (奶奶的,这可算是打广告吗?要收费用的唷!) 生活小品里读过一篇文章;文中的主人翁阿扁小时候常常跑到马路对面的杂货店里闲逛,这边摸摸,那边瞧瞧.店主常看他不顺眼,好几次拿着鸡毛帚把他给赶出店外.
就因为如此,阿扁就下定决心报仇.
阿扁认为,最好的报仇方法就是--娶店主的女儿做老婆!
长大后,果真给阿扁做到了!
当阿扁写该篇文章时,他已经是那杂货店的新老板了.
阿扁以六个字结束他的文章--什么仇都报了!

思维飘回现实.........
老板娘嘴里还在唠唠叨叨,眼光却不敢望我瞧,相信是狮子吼败给了电眼神功也!
想到阿扁...嘿嘿嘿,可不能学他那样把人家的女儿娶过来哟!不过他的阿Q精神倒可以仿效仿效........
喝完咖啡,走到离米果条汤最近的桌子坐下,眼光不时往老板娘胸前溜呀溜了整一分钟.
在老板娘还未学观音大士把汤水当着圣水往我身上洒下之际,我慢条斯里的走出义丰...........
嘿嘿嘿!什么仇都报了!

看官,你不妨试试去place your order,老板娘如果货来对办,我输你"杀毒骨蚌".

信主的人生

咯咯。。咯咯。。有人敲门。管他妈的，午睡正甜。
最近常常有推销员上门招揽生意.

两天前下午就有一个卖电器的女子"唔识do"................
当时我正陶醉在自己像鸭子的叫声卡拉OK中,只因为她知道家里有人,我不开门她就一直敲.
起初是礼貌性的敲门声,敲到最后简直是想把我家的大门拆下来!我"猪懒"起来,只穿内裤,把我那话儿搓到蓬鼓鼓才开门.
"干什么?"竖起我那关公眉,我那电光眼直瞪着她发电.
她看看我的脸,再低头看看我下面........
"对不起,安哥,打扰您...午睡...."(午睡声调轻得几乎听不到)
哈哈!午睡?我什么时候午睡?我午睡还会唱卡拉OK?
她也知道男人刚睡醒,那话儿会那么不听话???
急急忙忙跑下楼......................

咯咯咯。。。咯咯咯咯。。。。你奶奶的，越敲越急。睁开眼睛，用遥控把唱机音量调低。
打开门，两个小伙子一脸无辜的样子站在门外。
“干什么的？"满肚怨气无处发。
“对不起，安哥。我能耽误你几分钟吗？我们想跟你谈谈－－人生。”
“喂喂！你们是否吃错药？还是你们以为自己是日本人次保太贤（吃饱太闲)？你们两个的岁数加起来还小过我，胆敢跟我谈人生？我告诉你们两个，我的人生现在是：欠缺两千块钱。你们两个帮我搞定 这两千块钱，我用车载你们到一个地方，那里一群人的人生已时日无多。我想帮这老人院的一群，捉住最后黄金光辉的一刻，听听你们的人生论。"
两人你看我,我看你,吓呆了!?
"你们等一下,我穿件衣就出来."(奶奶的,做戏就做得像样一点)
我穿好衣,拿了车匙出来,两个初哥已不知所踪,铁门夹着一张"信主得救"的传单.
还好他们遇到的是我,如果是我楼下的那神经佬,他们两个就得"向主求救"了.

少掉了一条

朋友心妹打电话来问我，她二十一岁的儿子小庄左边小腹疼痛，小泻了两次，肚涨想呕又呕不出。
“会不会是盲肠炎？”
“小意思啦，轻微食物中毒吧了！尽量多喝白开水，呕出来后就没事了，”
事情的演变却不是我所能预料得到的。。。。。。。。。。。。。

为人父母的放心不下，把小庄送到私人医院问趁。反正有医药保险，不用白不用。
“必须住院接收进一步的检查，”经过一番扭扭按按后，门趁部医生煞有其事的做出宣布。
吊点滴，抽血液，挖肛门；能做的都做了，折腾了一个下午。
检查报告出炉－－轻微食物中毒。
“既然有医药保险，干脆顺便把盲肠割掉，以免后患，”好心的医生提出建议。
就这样，几天后，保险公司亏了七千大元。小庄弓着身子回家，下面少掉了一条－－(盲肠)。

旧曲重温

光华日报一年一度的旧曲重温歌唱决赛即将来到。想起去年观赏半决赛以及决赛的经验，只有“猪懒”两个字。。。。。。。。。。。。
“猪懒一”： 北马区半决赛在大山脚金星小学(建在高坡)举行。会场外听到“ 翻山越岭”的老歌迷大大的“称赞”主办当局testing他们的忠心与支持。
比赛进行中，礼堂后方工作人员嘈声连连，人来人往根本忘了有这么多知音人是来听歌的。
“猪懒二”： 北马区决赛在华人大会堂举行，“热闹”情况与前述更加精彩。前排有五位老姨你一句我两句地闲话家常，根本不是来看歌唱比赛的。说到high时还手舞足蹈，把手中没上瓶盖的矿泉水泼到我脸上来。我用我那小孩看到后半夜都会发恶梦的眼神死瞪着老姨，五朵老金花才悻悻然压低声调。
“猪懒三”： 满以为决赛在理大东姑礼堂举行，应该是在庄严的气氛下能享受到歌唱的精华。那知这次是－－大人退堂，小孩登场。比赛还未开始， 背后两个小瓜大玩特玩，跑来跑去。比赛开始，两个小瓜被年轻妈妈“罚坐”，却拿我的椅背出气－－“摇呀摇，摇到外婆桥”。我转过头，再次用那杀死人不赔命的眼光瞪着年轻妈妈，她只好带了两个小瓜消失于歌声中。
今年半决赛不看，只等下星期的决赛。到时历史会重演吗？

Nasi Kandar & Kopi-O

It's still dark; 6 a.m. in Penang, Malaysia. Enjoying my breakfast "nasi kandar" in kopitiam.
A vagabond was standing besides the nasi kandar stall, clearly showing that he needed something to fill up his stomach.
"Give him a packet of nasi kandar, boss. I'll pay for it", I told the nasi kandar boss.
A minute later, sitting on the floor, the vagabond was enjoying his food, without any drink.
"A packet of hot kopi-O please," I placed my order to the boss of the kopitiam.
By the time I got the kopi-O, turning around, only to see the vagabond walking off, already 20 meters away in the dark.
I had the second glass of kopi-O with my breakfast this morning.
When and where the vagabond going to get his next meal?

Asylum or Divorce?

My psychiatrist asked the middle-age alcoholic:"What's the first thing you would do if I send you home?"
"Divorce my wife!"
He was sent for E.C.T. therapy (6 times per course).
Two weeks later, the psychiatrist asked the patient again:"What's the first thing you would do if I send you home?"
"Divorce my wife!"
Decision was made by psychiatrist and M.O. to send him to asylum.
"Now look here," I told the panel. "I know that you all are trying to save his married life but don't forget that we are not sitting next to God! I saw the wife who has a splendid sexy body. Now that the patient is thinking that his wife is having affair with other man which leads him to alcohol abuse. Do you think he can satisfy his wife over sex after consuming alcohol and psychotropic drugs? How can you be so sure of what the wife had told you during the interview? Just be realistic! Let it be! What will be will be! Who knows he may recover if his request is met with!
A short discussion followed. The patient was discharged in the afternoon.
He never come back till I left psychiatry ward 4 years later!

死爱脸

把汽车驶入加油站, 一位友族中年正在为一辆Ｘ－Ｔｒａｉｌ添油. 在他车后等......两分钟过了, 该位仁兄还在吹口哨.三分钟后才意犹未尽地把油泵拿出来，意气风发地把车驾走。我把车驶进油泵站，价目表上注明Ｔｈｉｓ Ｓａｌｅ：ＲＭ２０。００。奶奶的,没理由添二十零吉的汽油费时三分钟.这是那门子的死爱脸,害人白等.不去做演员,真是太浪费人才了.

A brother of my good friend passed away 24 hours ago after ingesting weed killer (paraquat); accidentally? On purpose? Unluckily he just could not tell anymore.
Paraquat weed killer can easily be found in plantations. It is simply known as "kopi-O" due to its colour but it's tasteless. It can rapidly absorbed into the blood stream 10 minutes after ingestion. One teaspoonful of it is lethal.
As a paramedic, so far, NONE of my patients who ingested paraquat ever survived!

4.99? 8.99?

Just recall this incidence.
Once went to a fast food outlet just to please my little son over his good performance in his school work. The banner outside the fast food outlet printed: XXXplate--RM4.99; YYYplate RM8.99 and so on. O.K. then. Placed my order, got my food, paid over the counter and shocked to discover that my change was short of 2 sen. On enquiry to the cashier, I was told:"no more 1-sen coin".
"What a nonsense! Your banner outside the shop states ".99 " for all sorts of food sold. Furthermore there is a bank just NEXT to the shop and it is still open. THIS IS CHEATING! I would like to see your manager." You can imagine how furious I was!
After get to know the whole truth, without any apology, the manager told the cashier:"give him 5 sen."
"Look here, Mr. manager. I am asking for my 2 sen." He just kept quiet.
You know what!? I gave 3 sen back to the cashier as a change. See, it's a matter of principle.

Went to economy night market ( pasar malam) last weekend near a market. As soon as I parked my car, a middle age man approached me asking for RM2.00 for parking. RM2.00? During daytime when I came to park my car, it only cost me RM0.30 for half an hour. Furthermore, I just dropped in hoping to buy a nail clipper which would cost me RM0.80 only. It's a matter of principle; would you pay in total of RM2.80 for a nail clipper which cost you RM0.80? That was not the only economy night market the very night. Ignoring the grumbles by the man, I drove off to another "pasar malam" where I could parked my car nicely for free and enjoyed my evening trip with my family at the night market.
If you were I, would you do the same?

Received call this morning, the stubborn old man who refused to have his leg amputated passed away after mid-night. When I saw him two weeks ago, the amputated toe was somehow still gangrenous. I told him to go for below-knee amputation but he refused. I explained the consequences to his children, hoping that they could persuade the old man to go for operation. The old man just refused. Unlike this old man, another similar case I saw some one month ago responded quickly to my advice and had below-knee amputation done on his left leg. You can see him walking on clutches at the garden near-by every evening.
Stubborness won't gain anything; it kills!!